It’s supposed to be a motivational thing.

You know, one of those things that makes you do the right thing, even when it is hard, even when you don’t want to.  Like when the Rocky song makes you get off the couch and go run a few miles (I wish) or how you watch an episode of Hoarders and spend the rest of the day scrubbing the deepest and darkest corners of your refrigerator or how watching a cooking show makes you want to cook amazing things then stuff it all in your face (far more likely).

I’m talking about this odious phrase: Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels.

Ok, sure.  That’s awesome.  That amazing phrase will help me resist pecan pie, absolutely.  Hah.  More like absofrigginglutely not.  What a crock of crap, for serious.  CROCK O’CRAP.  It just makes me want to eat more so I can throw the empty place at whoever said that.

I think this is one of the dumbest phrases humanity has ever embraced as a motivational saying. Why? Because everything tastes better when you are starving.  I mean, when I’m hungry, even crap I wouldn’t touch with a ten food pole becomes appealing and makes me ponder my sanity.  Betty Crocker freeze dried fake cheese au gratin potatoes sound like a delicacy.  Hershey’s kisses no longer seem like the waxy younger sibling of a Yankee candle and even milk – which makes me sicker than a dog – starts to seems vaguely less disgusting.

Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels

What?

You know what tastes better than being thin? Everything.  Absolutely everything tastes better than skinny this and low fat that and vegan this and sugar free that.  EVERYTHING.

What tastes better than salad? Cake.  What tastes better than freshly steamed vegetables? Chocolate. What tastes better than Doritos? Absolutely nothing, because Doritos are the bombdiggalicious and cannot be improved upon unless said improvement is dipping the Doritos into ranch dressing handmade by me. What tastes better than being hungry all the time? Pretty much every food on the planet earth with the exception of mushrooms, cilantro and milk.  To be fair I only say milk because of the number of times milk has led to me vomiting in some unsuspecting mulch after a server gives me regular instead of soy.

I don’t choose this because it tastes better, I choose this because a) I want to be healthier and fitter and b) I’m not stupid because c) I can do math and calories in – calories out = excess weight or weight loss.

I choose this.  I choose to eat like someone who wants to be thin because I am someone who wants to be fit and thinner.

Anywho, I think the phrase is just lacking in motivation in all possible ways.  It isn’t motivational at all and just makes me think about how much I love food.

The truth is, food is tasty and as human beings we are built to love food, the naughtier the better, because back when we were cave people it was a good idea to eat when food was available.

Now that we are not cave people, we should not eat like we are stacking bales of hay all day, or breaking wild broncos, or running marathons between Starbucks breaks at work.  Not eating whatever we please, in whatever quantity we please is sucktacular.  That’s the truth.  We would be so happy if everything tasted as good as thin feels, and we could eat it all with impunity, thinking about it–wouldn’t it be great if we could eat everything we wanted and never gain weight without having a major thyroid problem?

The truth is, losing weight is only fun in moments. Great moments, but scattered moments all the same. Moments where our pants get too big or our underwear is only held up by the crotch of our pants (this week, woot) and moments where we climb 600 stairs in a row and feel such victory.  There are good moments–getting on the scale and seeing it move a pound in the right direction.  There are great moments–being able to run.  There are fantastic moments–33 pounds gone and it finally shows! There are also total crap moments–you started going to the gym and doing the right thing and you’ve officially torn your hip joint up.

More commonly, there are the bland and tedious moments of putting one foot in front of another over and over and over ad nauseum.  The morning routine of getting up at 4:30 so the gym can be fit in before work.  Routine work like chopping vegetables and steaming them on Sunday for lunches instead of reading a delightfully trashy romance novel with some bosom heaving sex scenes. Eating salad and making vegan dressing by hand because the store ones are nasty, packing a gym bag and work clothes and laying out gym clothes the night before, and saying no, thank you 42 times a day.  Sticking with the routine is what works.  It isn’t exciting or fun most of the time, it just isn’t.  There are some amazing moments where the feeling of success hits you like a tidal wave and you are filled with joy and satisfaction.  Most of the time it is boring and requires saying no to yourself and others, and keeping one foot in front of the other in the direction of a big fat goal (pardon the pun).

I swear I say no and no thank you like it’s a full time profession.

Instead of the stupid saying about how thin tastes, how about this:

  • Nothing is as hard or pays off more than telling yourself no.  I mean, this one is actually true, whether it is about weight loss or personal finances or a night out drinking with friends.
  • Nothing feels as good as being healthy.
  • Nothing tastes so good that I would trade my health to have it.
  • No, thank you.

The truth is this: it isn’t fun to diet, it isn’t fun to say no to cakes and cookies and chocolate and french fries and calorie gut bombs and cheesy this and deep fried that but it is worth it.  Some really weird people actually like going to the gym and the ones who are selling running shoes tell you there is such a thing as runner’s high, but most of us are just doing what we have to do in order to be fit and healthy.  We put in our gym time because, well, duh, it makes the fat disappear faster.

But no one will ever put “resisting temptation will make your ass smaller” on a kitchen towel.  “You just have to tediously do it over and over and over again” isn’t a marketable slogan. That doesn’t mean this little gem isn’t true:

It’s going to be really hard, but it will be totally worth it.  

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